Oreo 100th birthday. They are delicious and I recommend everyone buy a pack.
Posts tagged abstract thoughts
Posted 19 hours ago
Pokemon in Reality
Over the weekend at Wildwood, I spoke with my friends about how awesome pokemon would be to exist. After about 10 seconds, we all agreed that it would not be awesome because we aren’t cartoon characters. I played that game religiously and I know a lot more crap about it than I should. Just getting shocked by one attack accidentally would kill you. Their weakest attacks tear through metal. Bubble beam would cave our chests in. Think about your pokemon not listening to you at all, Ash and Charizard is your perfect example. He did whatever he wanted and used flamethrower on Ash who apparently can’t die. In the show and the games, there are stories of pokemon rampaging through towns or the woods. The opening credits of the first season shows a huge Tentacruel destroying a building, that shit would not be awesome. Some tear down mountains so nope, no thanks. I like this world we live in.
Posted 1 month ago
Rings
I’m a fan of rings, the ones that go on your fingers. I have had so many different types and I have loved every single one of them. I don’t care how stupid they have looked or anything because I liked them and they were just cool. I have had super expensive rings to like 5 cent rings with spider-mans head on it. If I see a ring at your house and I try it on, there is a slight chance I might leave with it on my finger but not on purpose. It’s actually a human trait to forget things that are in our hand for a couple of minutes (which is why sometimes we look for the remote control of the television while it’s still in our hands or cellphone). My aunt is a big fan of rings also and she used to have many and gave me some that she thought I would like because we share the same finger size (I didn’t know rings really had sizes but mine is a size six). I haven’t worn a ring since like late fall or early winter. I mainly haven’t purchased myself any new jewelry in years. I like wearing a necklace and a ring, that’s about as fancy as I get. Oh yeah, a watch too.
Posted 1 month ago
Underworld, the group
Back in 2008, when I really started listening to techno and electronica and music like that, there was a song called crocodile that was voted number 1 electronic song of the year. I had never heard of the song or the group so I thought the song was just being overrated. I downloaded the song and listen to it but didn’t expect much, I don’t know why, I just didn’t. So I’m listening to the song and it’s okay. I’m thinking it takes really long to start because the intro is really long and it sounds like you’re in a swamp while it’s playing. When it was finished, I thought, eh. The next day it came up again and I didn’t skip it. I let it part through, I enjoyed it. The next day, I wanted to listen to it, same thing following day. Next thing I know, I’m listening to it everyday and it didn’t feel right if I played video games and the song didn’t come on. Like 3 more of their songs came on xm radio back when I had it and I thought they were good and I liked them 2. Now 4 years later, Pandora decided to play these 2 songs that I found to be really catchy but I never looked at the babe or artist because I lie to listen to a song three times before I decide if it’s good or not. I finally couldn’t handle it and checked out the songs, they were luetin (I’m in love with it) and air towel (I like it but not as much). I decided to make an underworld station and I love it so far, the songs that come on from underworld don’t get skipped so it turns out that I love them. The album ”100 days off” is so good. I’m glad I found out that I really liked them. I would recommend if you like electronic with some nonsensical lyrics.
Posted 2 months ago
Kardashian Sisters
I truly despise the huge giant ugly one of the family and me wanting to fuck Kim brain dead has nothing to do with the fact that I also despise her as a human being. I hate those 2, mainly because they are the fakest people in the world. Kim is a whore, anyone who had a sex tape out is a whore, it’s that simple. What recently pissed me off about the sisters is that Khloe got married and didn’t take her husbands name. That has got to be such a selfish thing. She just added it to her name. Honestly, I think if they didn’t have their popularity increase over the past couple of years, she would have been Khloe Odom but whatever. I got tired writing about this. The only one I respect is Kourtney.
Posted 2 months ago
Confidence Boost
Now I’m a total pervert and I joke around a lot about my penis. I used to be pretty insecure about my dick but that left when I started having sex. The thing I love is the compliment after sex. I always hear guys talk about the awesome amount of girls they banged but never how a girl tells them that it was good. I pride myself in my sexual pleasing of women. I have heard plenty of different forms for thank you. They range from high fives, that was great with a lip bite, the walls tightening, the girl twitching, even body parts falling asleep on them, that was amazing (corny but true), but the best one I received today. Right as she gushed all over my genital region, she got up…shook, stared at my dick, and then said, ”God bless you.” Which was proceeded by an amazing blowjob. That was the whole point of this, there is more to tell after this but I doubt you people want to hear about it. Maybe if any of you are dirty enough to message me I’ll edit it with the whole story. Oh yeah, the worst part in this beautiful tale is that I never ejaculated, even in the rest of the story.
Posted 2 months ago
Healthier
Since mid January I have been trying to live better. I have been working out at home since I don’t have a gym membership yet. I started flossing my teeth, they feel very odd with nothing stuck in between them and no more bloody gums. I have stopped eating fast foods in general, I swore off McDonalds for the year because of my new years resolution. I’m drinking plenty of fluids and I’m eating more fruits, drinking at least 2 glasses of milk everyday. Eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I have also been giving real efforts into finding a job and not half assing it like I have been for so long. I plan on just giving my clothes that I don’t like to the poor and redoing my wardrobe with things that fit me and don’t make me look like am idiot. I’ll start with pants. Sorry for not having been posting funny things in so long, my computer has been wrecked but I bought a new one and it should be arriving soon and I can go back to bringing people comedy. I hope all is well with everyone.
Posted 3 months ago
Strange Dream
So it starts off with me drinking at Jarryds house with people who were there. I’m getting pretty drunk and the night is pretty much coming to an end because everyone is falling asleep (even in my dreams those guys knock out). I hit up Ximena to see if people are still at her house hanging out. She says yeah and to come through, she told me that some of her Englewood buddies are there and I’m okay with that because I’m okay with everyone. I arrive at the house and I’m greeted by Jose who gives me a bear hug, followed by ”I’m drunk and happy you are here, I’m trying to laugh and only Evanx is helping me out.” We proceed to go upstairs and I enter the room. I look around to see who I know or at least recognize. I see Jessica to my right, Evanx right next to her, Ximena chatting with Laura, and a stranger who I’m immediately smiling like some preteen girl who just got winked at by the hot guy. Jose goes to sit next to his wife and I say hello to everyone, I follow it up by greeting myself to everyone. I go to take my seat and Ximena introduces me to her friends but for some strange reason I’m already talking to the stranger girl like we have known one another longer than everyone in the room has been alive (Apparently I know everyone in my dreams, I’m guessing subconsciously it means I want to know them but that’s neither here nor there). So we are all chatting and having a good time, I’m making inappropriate jokes, Jose is talking about his recent readings, and Evanx is making funny as remarks to my jokes which in turn is making everyone else laugh. Everyone starts smoking but I skip because while drunk, the ganja leaf is not my friend. The room is hazy and everyone is silent for a moment, I pull out a bottle of Ciroc orange and tell everyone to take a shot. Everyone makes the unanimous decision to just kill it. So the get together is winding down and Jessica says that she will be leaving in a few and tells everyone to make sure they don’t forget anything. I’m talking up a storm and keeping peoples minds occupied while they sober up before leaving. Time passes and we get lead downstairs by the hosts. We stay outside for a bit and just enjoy that nice breeze that chills our bodies. For a second I stare up at the night and just stand there like a weirdo, I stumble back and press the alarm key on the car. It sobered me up real fast. Everyone asked me where I was going and I responded by saying I’m going to drive to New York and fall asleep in the middle of times square because the cops hate when I do that. Evanx cackled and called me a funny motherfucker, Jose called me an idiot, Jessica and Ximena held onto each other while laughing, Laura laughed and said that’s just odd, the stranger did a small snicker and just have me a look that said you are strange but that’s a good thing. We say our goodbyes and I get into the car which was conveniently parked right in front. I put on my driving glasses and insert my headphones into my ear because fuck the radio. I start playing music from the phone, I connect the phone to the charger and realize there is someone in the passenger seat and I’m thinking that at least I died drunk. I look up and see that it’s the stranger, she says some inaudible words because of the headphones (Hope and Glory is playing by Faithless). I take them off and ask why she thinks it’s okay to get into a serial killers car. She told me that anyone who believed that line was probably molested as a child. I chuckled and asked her why she really got in the car. She said if I could drive her home which was weird because things like that only happen in movies (or my dream). I could have said no but I had nothing else to do so I decided…fuck it. I told her that I needed to pass by quickcheck because I was hungry and wanted a hot chocolate cappuccino. I got a sandwichto go with that, got her a got hot chocolate and a cinnamon toast crunch cereal bar (who doesn’t love those?). As I drive to who knows where, we are talking and I know this but I don’t hear anything coming out of our mouths (I mean it makes sense since I don’t know what this stranger and I would talk about since we haven’t actually had a real conversation). We arrive at the destination, I hand her a napkin for my abrupt stop which made her spill some got cocoa in her chin. We sit in the car for a second and she mouths something to me, I read it as come inside but I’m not that cool so I just sat there. She gets out of the car, walks around, opens my door and pulls me out. She is pulling me forward to the front of her house. Looking through her purse and fumbling for her keys which were in her hand the whole time made me smirk but not say anything, I just stared at them and then she realized I was zoned in on something so she hit me and called me an asshole for not saying anything and making her look like an idiot. We enter her home which is just pitch black, we proceed to the living room where a couch appears out of nowhere. She says to hold on a second and that she will return. Two shot glasses and a half empty bottle of jack is what she brings back. She sits next to me and a glass table spawns in front of us. She tells me I won’t be driving home tonight because it would be a bad thing to drive so intoxicated, especially since I had no clue where the fuck I was. We take two shots and she asks me about my past. I tell her about my daily life before New Jersey. Two more shots and a television turns on to our left. It’s on comedy central and those late night girls gone wild commercials are on which I Fucking hate. I turn to my right and she pounces on me. She tells me that this is a first and I just say ”ditto”. I kiss her neck, she takes off her shirt, she starts to go down and I stop her. I tell her we just met and they I’m a guest so I’ll do the honors and go first. I’m eating her out and she is twitching for a couple of seconds and stops but I don’t really notice sure a minute. I go to look up and I realize that she isn’t breathing. I’m thinking, this is utter bullshit. After a couple more seconds of contemplating, I decide to try CPR (I don’t know how to do it for real but I have a general idea). Five pumps to the chest, breathe into her mouth. I’m doing this for a minute just panicking. I realize nothing is working and I have no clue what to do but my scumbag mind is saying to just fuck her. I was pulling down my pants and then I’m like, what the fuck am I doing. I go back to trying CPR and still I’m not getting anywhere. I just start slamming my fists telling her to wake up. In a way I was turned on because I had this beautiful girl in front of me but pissed of because I couldn’t do anything without being considered a necrophiliac. I just sit back when all of a sudden I get a kick in the ribs and she asks me why did I stop. ”It’s kind of hard to continue eating out a girl who just died in front of you”. She looked at me baffled by my sentence and just said. ”Oh well, good thing that lazarus effect kicked in huh”. I told get I hated her for the mental torture she just put me through. I continued eating her out. I go to lay down on my back. She leans in closer to me and I wake up. It’s eight in the morning and I hate my brain for making me have dreams where I don’t win.
Posted 3 months ago
Headphones
- Mom: Here Junior, listen to this music.
- Junior: I LIKE THIS SONG MAMI!
- Me: Junior, you don't have to yell. We are right in front of you.
- Junior: WHAT?!?!?!
Posted 3 months ago
Siri
Humans are the weirdest creatures ever. They fall in love with inanimate objects, they marry things like pillows, have sex with fruits or veggies, molest children, and eat disgusting things. I am here to speak about who has fallen in love with Siri from the iPhone. I haven’t heard of anyone who has fallen in love with it…yet. I know there is some mentally disturbed person who had fallen in love with a robot voice on their phone. I mean you can talk and have a conversation with Siri so why not fall in love with the only thing that communicates with you. Sometimes I wish I was crazy.
Posted 3 months ago
The weirdest thing about this dinner I made was that I seasoned the chicken with cinnamon. It came out to be delicious so I’m happy with my choice. 4 breasts will fill you up.
Posted 3 months ago
Angela's Weird
- Angela: Let me smell your mouth.
- Mom: It smells good Angela.
- Angela: Okay, let me smell your feet.
- *laughter ensued*
Howdy reader, I am Bryan. I post good looking women (in my eyes), pictures that make me laugh/smile/think, and I write down my thoughts on just about everything. If you want to know what I look like, facebook.com/bryainiac